The Talbot, Burnley

Never before since the Wars of the Roses has a trip over the Pennines been more enjoyable. Went to listen to my mate Alan McEnteggart in the band 5th Element, and they were h*!t hot!!! A solid rock sound, from 5 talented performers, who gave the punters a show worthy of any arena. As you all know, I’m a bit off an expert on band equipment – you know guitars, amps and shit? – well, Al’s guitar was a black one, Neil’s was a reddish one, and the bass was the colour of a black eye (played expertly, by the way!). Ann’s stockings were fish-net, her skirt was leather, and her voice was a gift from the Horned Rock Devil himself. And driving all this thunderously from behind was Phil with his massive red kit. Definitely the best band in Lancashire – hope they don’t move to Yorkshire or my band’s title is in jeopardy!!!